Who Says The Dead Don’t Speak?

Posted on June 12, 2012. Filed under: KBR, Piss Ants | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

2nd in the series The Great Cluster Fu…  A treatise on questionable journalism and pre-litigation pracitces

This is an old one from the earlier days of product liability suits.  Some guy was smashing one hammer against another.  Read that as “one piece of hardened steel forcefully applied against another piece of hardened steel.”  Sort of like the “immoveable object – irresistible force”  riddle.  Anyway, the dork was using the hammers in a fashion for which they were neither designed nor intended, resulting in a shower of shrapnel penetrating his person.  It takes a lot of force for hardened steel to shatter, so dorko must have been doing this a lot to weaken the integrity of the failed hammer.  But, it wasn’t his fault, you understand.  There was no label warning the user against total stupidity.

And all those dying smokers who wanted to get paid for a lifetime of being selfish, inconsiderate jerks.  Until forbidden by law, they smoked anywhere and everywhere, filling the breathing space, clothes and furniture of others with noxious smoke and ash at any time the whim struck them.  No one forced them to take up the “habit”;  it was a choice freely made based on the concept of self-image — appearing cool and soooooo mature —  and fitting in with their chosen crowds.  A choice that each made in spite of social objections and known physical detriment.  One they continue to make even decades after the life-threatening nature of intense and prolonged tobacco use has been thoroughly documented.  Before the lawsuits, there was no label warning that getting hooked on that crap would make you a selfish, inconsiderate jerk.

Nasty old McDonald’s.  Nasty old tool-maker.  Nasty old tobacco company.  ‘Cause none of them had labels on their products saying:  clumsy old bats, stupid dorks, and arrogant jerks will burn, hurt, or kill themselves if they don’t use common sense in the use of potentially harmful products of any kind.

But you gotta hand it to those paragons of PU* (pronounced, unabashedly, pee-yew),  those litigation attorneys.  It takes real talent to select a whole panel of brain-dead jurors from a jury pool of — presumably — normal, intelligent persons.  Because of that talent, the McDonald’s jury awarded about $3.5 million (much, much less when the higher courts got it) to an old bat for being clumsy;  a tool company paid an unspecified amount (actually, it was so long ago I just forgot how much) to a stupid dork for acting really stupid;  and the tobacco industry paid (or is paying) billions of dollars to people who chose to use a debilitating product for decades, one that seemingly had equally destructive effects on non-smoking bystanders.** 

Product labels warning of the obvious —

  • HOT coffee is HOT
  • HAMMERS are NOT for hitting OTHER HAMMERS
  • TOBACCO USE frequently causes CANCER

— will not prevent clumsiness, stupidity, or crowd-following.  For that reason, not one of these litigations should have been permitted to hear an opening court-room gavel, let alone result in the odious practice of paying people for self-inflicted injuries.  But, by golly, those litigation attorneys made out like bandits, because — like Dr. Frankenstein of fiction — they knew what buttons to push to make the brain-dead (that carefully selected jury) briefly walk and talk as instructed.

*Pismire ubiquity

**It is those BY-STANDERS whom the PARASITIC LITIGATORS should have been representing AGAINST THE SMOKERS;  but, again, individuals aren’t big business, and — in this case — they probably spent all their spare change supporting their CHOSEN habit.  But, if high moral standards are what the litigators are all about, and representing a few hundred thousand (pro bono) victims is the morally correct thing to do,  Mother Teresa will be really proud of them…    Sorry, Mother T.  It ain’t gonna happen.  The “right thing” for litigators is getting a big chunk of the M-O-N-E-Y won in court.

Next up:  Big business = cash cow

Series references:  KBR, Mary L. Wade, Qarmat Ali, Doyle Raiznor, Ms. Sparky, litigation, sued, cluster, deposition, hexavalent chromium

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